Laurel Amberdine (amberdine) wrote,
Laurel Amberdine

  • Music:


Last night I spent a while browsing around for new music to buy. There's still one long-lost song I haven't found, so I poked around for leads. It's tricky, since I only know the era, genre, and feel of listening to it... not the name of the group or song.

Still didn't find it, but I did buy a song I hadn't been looking for. Listening to it immediately recalled a series of heartbreaking, bizarre, beautiful incidents -- one of which happened at a concert where I'd heard the song. I thought about how I'd like to tell someone, and realized that no one would be able to relate. Sure, people might understand once I explained, but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to share a "You remember when...?" But I don't think anyone does.

Most of my life is like that, which makes this whole creation-of-art thing complicated, and why I have to write highly-speculative SF/F. I don't have any idea what it's like to grow up with a parent around. Or go to school past 6th grade. Or have a normal job. But neither do I have anything in common with the people who might superficially share those attributes. And I'm not even touching on bigger issues like health and religion.

Don't take this wrong; I don't think I'm a special snowflake, or unique in any positive way. And everyone is absolutely individual. But it's probably time for me to accept that the past cannot be rewritten. I'm not going to somehow hop onto the "kinda normalish" track anytime soon. If anything, I keep diverging farther.

I suspect this means that, to get where I want to go, and be what I need to be, I can't keep trying to use typical methods. The past ten years were a total wash. I don't (yet) know what to try, but brute force "just be normal already" isn't working.

Which is true of everyone, really. We always have to find our own way.
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